How do you tell yourself to walk away?

I don’t think I have ever been so hurt and confused. I think I am at the point where I legit feel like I am at the very bottom and I can’t get any lower. But scary thing is, I truthfully know it can always get worse.

How do you tell yourself to not be with the person you love more than yourself because it’s “better” for you. How do you convince yourself to not respond when he texts you when all you want is to text him first. And now I’m gonna quote The Vow… how do you look at the person you love and tell yourself to walk away? Cause I can’t.

I want to help him because even though I’m hurt and sad for me, I am also hurt and sad for him. Clearly, he isn’t happy and clearly he is hurting because of something. He needs help but I can’t give him that help without hurting myself too. I don’t know anything now except that I love him and I miss him. I love him too much to forget it, and I love myself too much to keep remembering.

I just want both of us to be happy. Even if it’s not together; I want to be happy and I want him to say he’s happy.

The Vow

So, I just got home from watching The Vow, and although the movie itself somewhat disappointed me, it got me thinking. I mean, the movie was definitely good and I bawled through 90% of it… but it just wasn’t all it was hyped up to be. Anyways, the movie as all of you know is about a couple who gets married and is super in love and then the girl (Paige) loses her memory when the two are hit by a car. She can’t remember anything from the past few years, and has no idea who her husband is. She doesn’t love him. Doesn’t recall any memories or traditions they had. He spends all of his time trying to get her to remember and fall in love with him again, but she just can’t. He is a stranger to her. I know it was just a movie but the way he (Leo) tries for her and the way he sacrifices his job and his whole life just to be with her is incredible. The way he literally did anything just to make HER happy. I hope that a love like that exists off the big screen. I hope everyone meets that person that they would do anything for, for the rest of their life in order to be with them and make them happy. I hope I come across that person one day. And I hope I love him with the same heart back. He’ll be willing to fight for me, but he will never have to because I will never leave. The Vow gave me hope that one day everyone will be able to find the love of their life who they will never have to be afraid of loosing. It reinforced never settling for less than what you always wanted. I saw the movie with my friends. Of course, I would have loved to see it with a boyfriend I love…but I’d rather go on a thousand dates with good friends then on one with a guy I just settled for.

Life is a Beautiful Thing

I love people. I have a really big passion for life and all of mankind. I don’t even know why; I have been mistreated by so many people in my life…and yet I still have so much hope and faith in people.

I will never forget the day I found out my boyfriend of over a year was dating another girl the entire time…and chose her over me. Or the day I found out my best friend of 8 years was with the the guy I first loved. I will never forget those days. I remember exactly how my heart shattered, what the weather was like, what I was wearing. I remember it because the pain was so powerful that every piece of that day was forever imprinted in my mind.

Point is, I recovered. I forgave all of the people who have ever hurt me, and I’ve even talked to and met up with most of them after the fact. That is why I think humans are so wonderful. We have the power to forgive. We have the power to get out of a slump and be happy after someone throws us down.

I never understood why people say they want to die young. I want to live until I’m 203 years old. I want to fully learn and grow until there is nothing left to know or see. I want to travel across the world and run a marathon on my 100th birthday. I want to date a lot of people…and yes, even get my heart broken if that’s part of this beautiful life. I think people who do bad things do it because they have no goals, no motivation and no passion. I feel sorry for them. I wish that everyone in the world wanted to live to be 150. 

And you know what, I say this in a lost and unhappy state in my life. I say this with pain in my heart; I am not completely happy at this moment in time. But that’s the beauty of life- no matter what you are going through it will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS GET BETTER. Pain never lasts a life time. Hearts DO heal, tears go away, and sometimes people come back. 

Life is a beautiful thing and I hope everyone alive actually starts living.

Imy

Every time you start missing someone you should tell yourself there is a reason they left. If they aren’t coming back there is a very good reason why not. Either they deliberately chose to not have you in their life any longer, or you let them go because of your own insecurities. Whatever the excuse or cause may be, let it be. Let time pass and let things put themselves into perspective. Don’t rush anything, and don’t nag. If something is meant to be… it will be. If it isn’t, life and time will heal you and it will be like it never happened at all.

10:51; Love finds you… You Don’t Find Love

I think that people who look for love often can’t find it. It’s when you stop searching and trying so hard that it comes to you. When you’re looking for something so desperately you’re often looking in the wrong places, assuming everyone is the one, and going for just about anybody. But when you stop forcing something, and begin living for yourself; dancing, drinking, laughing, reading, working out….that’s when people begin to notice how beautiful and great you are. That’s when people realize they want you in their life. That’s when love comes to you.

It always comes to you. You don’t go to it.

6:00 am

So I started this morning off bad. Really bad. My mom ran into my room and woke me up earlier then I was supposed to be woken up (by my alarm clock). The morning then immediately consisted of fighting with my mom, crying, and complaining about commuting, living at home, being in school, carrying heavy books….etc etc. I sat in my room (at 6am) literally sulking about having to wake up before 6 in order to make it to my 9 am class, how some people have it so easy because they live on res, how my mom is so annoying and how other people have it so easy because they’re parents don’t care. 

Someone than messaged me asking how I am. I told them horrible and began sending them paragraphs about how “horrible” my life is because I’m in university and have a mother who cares. They told me “Times are hard, but at least you know you’re beautiful.” That actually sparked something inside me. Not that I’m beautiful and blogging about it. But how easy their solution was to my obviously very stupid problem. What am I doing bawling my eyes out at 6 o’clock in the morning when I should be taking advantage of the opportunity and getting ready for university; the dream one I applied to and got in. I should be kissing my mom in the morning not telling her she’s stupid because she woke me up at 5:45 instead of 6. May sound unoriginal but; there are kids in countries who would die to be in school. Who would commute 2 days for a 1 hour lecture if they had to… or better yet if they could. I complain about 1 hour. 

So, I think right now I’m going to get the hell up, get dressed and stop complaining about positive things and making them seem negative. I’m going to kiss my mom, get dressed, go to school, learn something and deal with my REAL problems. 

Carpe diem everyone.

Love

I think true love never ends. You can love a million people, but if they leave, or you leave and never come back, it wasn’t true. I think true love finds it’s way through pain, misery, distance, loss, sadness, and all other obstacles. If it ends it will always come back…and if it doesn’t, it wasn’t true. True love is never questioned and never confusing. You just know. You will endlessly fight for each other, and no other individual will be remotely attractive to you in any way like they are. True love goes two ways; you will always know the way you feel about them is the same way they feel about you.

I’m Happy

Over the years I have had many different opinions on happiness. Love from a partner, a good friendship, a vacation, a new piece of technology; they were all definitions of being happy. Today, I stand in a place where I know all of those things are false and temporary joys. Although a few of them are important, that does not mean they will make you happy forever. A friendship may end, a relationship might fall apart, technology gets old, and vacation memories fade; you are left with nothing but an album of pictures that you will probably never look through.

I think true happiness is what you have at the end of the day, what you go to bed with and what you will wake up with, always, in every situation. And that is a love for yourself. It may sound selfish, but I think it is the number one most important thing you can achieve in your life time; a love for your body, mind and heart. If you love yourself, and you are able to look in the mirror and see beauty, make mistakes and still have hope for yourself… you will never be in despair. You will never be truly sad. You will never feel that you have lost anything. You will see every loss as a gain. If the love of your life walks out on you, you will remain hopeful and thankful for the memories. You will know that new love will come to you.

The truth is, mankind is selfish. Many humans are not afraid to hurt others and walk in and out of people’s lives as they please. The only way someone will be allowed to do that to you is if you lack respect for yourself and allow them to. Never make someone your everything. Never promise or believe in forever. Not to be pessimistic, just realistic; but few things last a lifetime. You just have to learn to be okay with endings, heart breaks, losses and look at them as new beginnings, new opportunities and new chances.

Party as hard as you can, embarrass yourself, despite of a possible ending or heartbreak; FALL IN LOVE. Smile a lot, break rules, and never ever ever regret anything or anyone. I truly believe that if something or someone made you happy at one point you should be forever thankful to them. Learn from your mistakes, and never be afraid to make new ones. Do whatever makes you happy, because truthfully, NOBODY ELSE WILL. 

58 Years of Love

Today would have been the 58th wedding anniversary of Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe. Even though their marriage was her shortest, it was her best. They didn’t’ work out because life got in the way, but they had a love like no other. Even after their marriage Joe had the greatest respect and love for Marilyn. They remained best friends for the rest of her life. After her death he claimed her body, arranged the funeral services, and sent flowers to her grave every week for 20 years. On his death bed his last words were “I finally get to see Marilyn.”

I think he was the luckiest guy to have ever lived. Happy anniversary to a couple who never died.

Change

So, today I went on your profile. I don’t know why. It’s literally been years. I realized we’re not even friends on Facebook anymore, and we don’t have each other’s numbers. When did that happen?

Even though I don’t think about you that much, and I don’t care enough to ever make an effort anymore, it makes me a little sad. Not because of YOU…but because it’s a reminder of how things change, and how things are forgotten. It’s sad how you can be with someone for months and for years, do everything with them…and then fast forward a few years and you don’t even have each other on Facebook. 

I couldn’t look through it for more then a minute because it actually made me want to cry. You look so happy, and of course so do I…but at one point years ago we would have never imagined being happy without each other. 

I don’t miss you, and it’s not the idea of you that hurts… it’s the fact that everything we have today, life as we know it will be different some day. It will completely change and the people we love today, we may not even remember their voices tomorrow. 

Forever?

I want to take a second to talk about the concept of FOREVER. That word confuses me. What does it really mean? When a priest says that God has existed forever…I don’t understand. Everything starts and ends somewhere…forever must have a beginning? People use forever too loosely. I will be your best friend forever, I will love you forever, I will be here for you forever….etc etc. But in reality, I don’t think that word even exists. Now, I’m not saying that out of anger or bitterness… I truly think that everything has a beginning and an ending and therefore nothing can, or will ever go on forever. I can’t think of one individual, plant, item, or animal that has been around forever, and will go on forever. To tell someone that you will be with them forever is the biggest lie one can possibly tell. Not just on the fact alone that you both will eventually die, but life always gets in the way. People change, grow up, move away….all of those things happen unexpectedly and unwantedly. Forever is a misconception, a feeling without a meaning. A feeling of security that someone promised you forever, or that God has been around forever, and that you won’t have to face these things coming to an end one day.

2011

It was only 365 days long, but I swear I can name 1,000 incredible things that happened to me. But in a nutshell…wow I learned and experienced so much. I turned 18, legal to do anything but drink…so I guess you can say I spent 90% of the year breaking the law. I met a few amazing people who changed my life. I graduated and got honour roll and a scholarship, I went to prom where I had a fairytale night and realized something that made a big difference in my life. I went to Wasaga with my best friends, I went to Croatia with 2 of the most amazing girls in my life where I proved to myself how morally strong I am as a person for many reasons. I applied to university, and got in. Fell in love, stayed in love, got my heart broken, fell out of love. Lost friends, made friends. Cried, laughed, smiled, yelled. I went to Montreal and had the greatest weekend of my life. Heard people say horrible things about me, but also got life changing compliments. Promises were made, some kept, some broken. Overall…it was the most eventful year of my life, I wouldn’t take an experience, a word or a person out of it.

I could literally go on for the next 12 months, those experiences were so much more then just the words I typed. I grew as a person in each one of them. There were times when I felt so weak I literally thought I’d die. And there were also times I felt so happy I thought life couldn’t get better. But it did…and it keeps getting better. What a crazy ride. Thank you 2011 for teaching me that I’m beautiful with or without people, thank you for making me cry, and laugh….thank you for bringing me healthy and alive into 2012….I’ll make this one count just as much.

I’ve Loved and I’ve Lost

I think the best and the worst thing to happen to a person is heart break. It’s the worst when it’s fresh; when you wake up in the morning after being together for so many months, or years, and you realize it’s over forever. Realizing they can, and will move on to someone else, and so will you. Realizing you can’t text them when something reminds you of them, and realizing that after all those promises of forever and always… it did in fact end. 

But it ended for a reason, not out of the blue, or for the hell of it. It ended because someone stopped trying, someone stopped caring, someone wanted a change, or a new person. And at first it’s unfathomable that you can go on without them, but you can and you will.

That person that once was your world, the person you swore you’d marry because you couldn’t ever imagine your self in someone else’s arms will one day be a stranger. They will become a story told to your friends, and kids when they’re hearts are broken. A story of over coming pain and loss. A story of being young, wild a free. They will be the person who taught you to love, and to hate, and the person who built you up to the individual you are today.

Every loss is really a gain. You will win some and you will lose most. The people you never thought would leave, will. Head up, smile on. Life moves on and waits for no man…don’t waste opportunities or people, you’ll never get them back.